Archive for December, 2006|Monthly archive page
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Gift wrapping
Comments (1)My concession to the festive season (stolen and re-wrapped from the Blue Room – Thanks to Ynot)
Merry Christmas one and all!
GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
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This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of Matthew, “presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.”
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: “And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, ‘Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!’
And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense.”
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
*Please note that these characteristics are not mutually exclusive, contrary to conventional belief*
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know of.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is “if it’s such a poor gift that I don’t want to be there when the person opens it.”
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
“No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,” Gene said. “They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.”
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it’s myrrh.
* The editors of Woman’s Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack.
* If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It’s a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It’s a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Laugh during this Christmas season.
And to my knowledge one of the wise men was not named Herb.
JUMP!
Yes, I know it’s been a while since I posted.
For the last few weeks, I’ve either been away from work or doing maintenance and/or duty and haven’t been directly on shows.
Even despite that, I still manage to get involved on those jobs that need doing – installing surtitling equipment, checking the audio description set-up for a touch tour, wiring up our O2R for use in post show talks, arguing with the remotes for Barco projectors (I really don’t like mini jack connectors anymore!), arguing with network protocols in trying to get a Windows machine to recognise a wireless access point – I could, and won’t, go on for days.
As part of this technical support though, I was able to get out of the office for a couple of days. I managed to get involved with the Royal Variety Performance (broadcast 12th December 2006) assisting on Jump!, an act best described as Charlie Chaplin means Jackie Chan.
Kudos goes to the Beeb for running a very tight ship organisationally and to Tim and Julian in the OB truck who mixed the shows music, sound effects and live VO despite having never seen the show until the rehearsals. Also, to the LX team (whose names escape me) for taking the visuals of an online clip and making their own interpretation of the lighting. And, most definitely to the followspots who did a very good job of dealing with this very dynamic show with a whole gamut of gymnastic moves (the cast, not the spots 
) . And to Stan, and his crew, who made the ramp and to the Coliseum staff for putting up with the 800+ people on side. And to our makeup artist, who arrived on the day knowing only one member of the company. Sally, I raise a glass to you (filled with frosty beverage, of course.)
I’m not certain the whole night will be to everyone’s taste but I’m pretty certain you’ll find Jump worth watching (they are in the second act, for what it’s worth)
New Page – Shop Talk only
for all my regulars (!) – you’ll notice a new tab marked facilities panel.
This is part of a project in-house so if you aren’t involved, it all may look like nonsense.
Just roll with it – normal service will resume shortly
