Of Flamingo and cake

It was some point in July when my best man said unto me:

“Yon tome of wisdom (The Sun!) hath within their hallowed pages an offer of sanctuary for some small token of gold. Yea, and it doth allow for persons numbering less than the days in a Christian week to partake in the sleeping of a van of cara for a period not less than 3 nights upon Wight’s Isle”

(see kids, reading the Sun is bad for you!)

In any case, once he got his teeth back in we decided that taking ourselves and our better halves for a few days in the Isle of Wight seemed like a pretty good idea (better than working certainly). The cost of the caravan and the ferry was under triple figures – what could possibly go wrong?

Leg, meet MEWP.

. . .

Fortunately, I had the sense to break my leg a good few months in advance of the weekend away so I was at least moving around at that point. We travelled down the day before to their flat in Southampton and crashed on an air mattress.

This in itself is something of an experience – getting on requires a little teamwork or your partner finds themselves flipped face first into the sofa. The morning after can also be interesting – she gets up and I find myself lying on the floor, still under covers and on top of the mattress but I can definitely feel the floor with my shoulder-blades. It’s not conducive to having a lie-in.

Come to think of it, that may have been the point.

We arrive at the ferry with good time and, with me waving my crutches, get to pull up in the disabled lane.

As an aside, they start to load the ferry about 30 mins or so before the scheduled departure time. Me and my best man were on strict orders not the leave the car to avoid a repeat of the ‘just one more game at the arcades, oh the ferry …” incident.

We park up right by the lift on the upper car deck (thus proving a man with a broken femur is not entirely useless) and spend the next hour or so rocking gently.

The ferry was moving also.

Right at the end of the journey, my best man’s better half discovered what her brain age was thanks to my Nintendo DS. Politeness forbades me revealing the actual age (bribes to the normal address) but it wasn’t too far from the combined ages of the four of us travelling …

We arrive in East Cowes and knowing that we couldn’t check-in to our ‘van til the afternoon we figured we’d drive to Sandown, find the caravan pack we were staying at then take it from there. The first challenge was a member of the flat cap driving brigade. He had left his flat cap at home though and thus was allowed to reach speeds of nearly 30 miles an hour. If going downhill.

We passed them at the first roundabout you reach after several minutes drive. It should only take several minutes to get across the island but the gentleman in front of us was driving slowly to admire the hedgerows on the road from East Cowes. We passed them at the roundabout only because we though they were headed to Ryde and changed their mind as they traversed the roundabout (we should have also taken note about their reluctance to go to Ryde – more on that later).

We did get stuck behind a bus immediately after but that was okay as the bus could reach 30mph in a 30 zone. It was only several minutes later that we reached Sandown and we decided to start the holiday in style.

By parking on the beach front and getting an ice cream. Being considerate of my body I declined (no 99Flakes). To burn off that heavy food we thought of walking along the pier.

It was shut.

Luckily, the amusements at the land end weren’t, so we wandered in to help remove some of the weight we were carrying. Darn £1 coins.

Any hopes of any dietary loss took an early blow when we saw the sign marked ‘Cream Teas’. It did help to remove the metal weight in the pockets but I’ve never had cream that was actually runny on a scone before.

I do remember walking past one of those giant claw machines with a bunch of Disney characters underneath. A gentleman (I’m really trying to resist the urge to remark that he seemed to be missing some Burberry pattern on – oops) failed to rescue Thumper for his girlfriend. A few minutes later, I saw my best mans partner walking along with a big grin on her face and a liberated Thumper. The gentleman was last seen attempting to snag a Tweenie …

Returning to the car, we headed to the caravan park to check in.

Just to clarify a point, the caravan we stayed in had two separate bedrooms, a shower room with toilet (and not a chemical toilet either), a lounge (with spare double bed) and a gallery kitchen complete with fridge, mains gas hob, oven and sink with running water. That’s running water on demand from taps not a leaky roof, by the way. Even if we had paid full prices, the extra kitchen and lounge made it a far more attractive prospect than an equivalently priced hotel. Of course, I couldn’t actually extend my crutches to each side unless windows on both sides were open but even so. The other problem was a lack of electrical power – even a hair dryer would blow the fuse to the caravan. There were communal washing facilities available in addition to our own shower pod so that wasn’t going to be too much of problem …

My wife was starting to wonder about the oncoming lack of bagels (we only had 4 left). Luckily, Sainsbury’s website had assured us that there was a store in Sandown and we set off to get several packs of bagels (and some food for the rest of us).

It wasn’t even several minutes later that we had located a Somerfield, an Esso, the zoo, another amusements and a couple of men using a chainsaw to chop down a log with less safety gear than the number of runs I took over summer. But no Sainsbury’s.

We gave up looking for bagels (the chocolate fix was approaching by now) and bought breakfast (for the rest of the weekend), snacks and even some fruit from a grocers’ (I debated the best place to put the apostrophe there). Thus enthused by our good deed we returned to the caravan and had cake.

Not feeling like cooking and knowing that there was a pub just a couple of minutes hop away, we decided to eat out. I really am going to have to try to remember the name of the pub as they did great food – good enough that we all kinda decided that we would have to come along the next night to check it was as good as the meal we had just had. A dancing coke can kept us entertained during the meal – a coke can that actually had contained coke which my wife had drunk from. It was dancing in time to the music and no magnets under the table. We did ponder the strength of the beer at this point but it didn’t seem like it had been spiked. We bought another round to check. Having noticed a games room on the way in, we meandered back out and stared aghast at a House of the Dead 2 cabinet with no guns. We were so shocked that we had to have several games of pool to feel better, while the ladies discovered a knack for Cluedo on the quiz machine.

We departed later on that night (actually before last orders) and returned to the caravan. It was about now that we introduced my best man’s partner to the joys of Sh*tHead.

It’s a card game that I’ll post the rules to some other time. As I generally won, it gained the nickname of ‘GitFace’ – his insult de jour.

We also decided that Fonejacker is ‘car crash TV’, you know you shouldn’t watch but you just can’t stop yourself. This is not a recommendation.

Saturday morning dawned bright and we set off on the only trip we planned – a visit to the zoo. I’m not certain that any of us would normally be awake (or comatose) before 10am on a Saturday but we were there early enough to see some of the animals being fed.

These two porcupines were able to open that box full of banana’s, bread and turnips (for breakfast?)

The tigers would have you believe that they were alert that early in the morning

But this is what most of them were doing

I forget what we needed but for some reason we returned to Sandown afterwards (oh wait I remember) for breakfast. Smiling sweetly at the waitress’s (and waving my crutches) we managed to convince them to serve full fried breakfasts a good 30 minutes and more after breakfast was officially over (take note McDonalds!)

Once the bloated feeling began to subside and we decided against dessert we decided to take a trip to Shanklin. We paused to get some cash from Sandown and paused again when my darling wife found our next home.

It needed a little pruning but it was the wall to the left (not in the shots) falling away that warned us that is may be a little too big a project. Besides, where would the skip go?

Several minutes later, we arrived at Shanklin and managed to park right outside an ice-cream shop. To make up for the lack of 99 Flakes yesterday, this shop not only had a copious quantity but even added a sauce to it. Not horseradish or brown but strawberry, or raspberry, or mint, or …

Mmm, ice-cream…….

I’d already noticed that morning that the pod which the shower was in would have been an interesting exercise in contortion if I hadn’t regained some flexibility in my leg. Ice cream cones come into the category of cereal and tea as things that someone with two crutches can not carry.

Tired from the ice-creams we decided to visit Shanklin arcades. We were unable to rescue Dumbo from the claw machine but I was able to waggle an Uzi at House of the Dead 4 (man they just churn that thing out) and discovered a knack for getting repeat money shots on a particular fruit machine – Cops N Robbers.

It was only mid afternoon at this point so we jumped (or hopped) back in the car and carried on driving south. Several minutes was all it to run out of south at Ventnor and we continued west to Black Chine.

Once upon a time this was a thriving attraction on top of the cliffs – now it’s less of an attraction mostly at the bottom of the cliffs. The Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man sized pirate astride the entrance was definitely giving the receding cliff line behind him a worried look. Not wanting to pay to see erosion, we browsed the fossil shop (Laa Laa was being eaten by a T-rex skull) and returned to Sandown. Several more minutes passed.

To pass the time before headed to the pub for supper, we got some chips in Sandown, wrangled some old bread from the chippy (thanks again!) and went to the duck pond just down from the zoo. The swans and ducks were glad to see us, the moorhens would have been if they weren’t bullied by the ducks and even the rat did reasonably well.

It was still reasonably light (and we had those chips to burn off) so we popped into a nearby amusements. The Simpsons four-player game was still moderately fun with four players, the Resident Evil Survivor game was a travesty and I still had the knack of repeat cash shots on Cops N Robbers

Finally time for supper and it was as good as the previous night. People were using our games room tonight (the cheek of it!) so we headed back to the caravan for a little more GitFace. As we passed into the caravan park, we saw the lights of the park’s games room flashing lonely away. It had a pool table and the Cluedo machine.

In case you are wondering, playing pool is something that can be done with a broken leg. Using crutches as cues doesn’t give the accuracy of a proper cue however (though with the lack of chalk, it was a close run thing …)

It had been a busy day so we only had a few hands of cards before squeezing into our bedrooms.

As a treat on Sunday morning, we made a bunch of bacon sandwiches. There is something to be said for having a kitchen available when you want it. My wife and me also decided to brave the communal shower block in an attempt to wash our hair.

The block adjoined the laundry and was all roofed so we felt reasonably confident. We went in. Past the mirror area with sockets that were actually rated at 13A! Past the first door (toilet), past the second door (bath – we weren’t feeling that communal), ah the third door hid a shower. With mould. And Midges flying around …

Okay door number four. Good, no mould. And nothing flying around. Mainly because the midges were poised on the tiles around the cubicle. “Hmm, why do they look poised? Oh, my mistake, they aren’t midges” say I. “Yes?” says she hopefully. “Yep, them’s mosquito’s.”

Pause

She looks at me. “So we are going to try to wash our hair in the shower at the caravan, then?”

“Oh yes”

We did come back (fortified with bacon butties) to dry our hair. Someone had braved the shower in our absence. I hope they brought Anthisan.

Up, washed and fed, we decided to head north to Ryde. “It’ll only take several minutes” said we.

Indeed, after several minutes, we’d passed a sign saying Welcome to Ryde and noticed a turning to the esplanade. Duly, we turned. The first minute was fine. We reached a crossroads. Before us was the flamingo park. We knew that to continue the way signposted we had to go right. A country road winding past a pub called the Wishing Well into a valley. Fine. Going back up a hill and turning south. Okay. Continuing south. With the sea now on the wrong side. Um. Turning east. Ah. Something’s awry.

We saw the Oasis shop at this point and pulled in to be diverted by a great selection of furniture and art from Bali artists. They are online and do deliver to the mainland and it is worth a look. Declining the bamboo painting, the sleigh-style bed and the ornate drink cabinet and laden with only a couple of dream-catchers, we left Oasis, followed the road for a minute and turned back onto the road to Ryde.

Past the Welcome the Ryde sign (again) we ignored the sign to the esplanade and continued straight on. Turn right for Seaview (and flamingo park). Ignoring the park, we headed for Seaview. What I didn’t know then was that Seaview was actually the name of a town. Have a guess what the main attraction is? Nope, it’s not the flamingo park (that’s the second).

We drove along the beach road, turned into the main street, turned back onto the beach road and had visited the almost the entirety of Seaview. Driving back and not turning right, we followed the road past a sign we all swear said ‘Archery for the Blind’. Somewhat distracted, it was a moment before we saw the sign to the Flamingo Park. On our left. A country road winding past a pub called the Wishing Well into a valley. At this point we stopped and used the Wishing Well car park to turn around. With the Flamingo park now on our right we headed back and managed to reach the sea front at Ryde.

Everywhere on the Isle of Wight is several minutes from anywhere else. Except Ryde. No wonder Parkhurst Prison is there. Anyone escaping would never be able to found the way out of the locale.

As a celebration for escaping, we stopped for a Wimpy. And a gawp at the sea forts (only a few £million to you).

Unable to afford said forts (though not able not to wonder how hard it would be to string up a washing line between two of the forts without the Portsmouth-Cherbourg ferry snapping the line and stealing our smalls) we parked up near the hovercrafts and went to an amusements. This did a nice line in retro amusements but was the worse yet for lights missing on the fruit machines (hard to pick a trail if only one light in four actually works). We moved over to the bowling rink. Now this was the worse for light bulbs not working on the fruit machines.

On the way back, the air was filled with the guttural roar of a motorbike gang. Tearing up the road, they pulled into the empty (ish) parking lot of the next door ice rink. Now, a group of 20+ men in leathers on bikes would normally raise a mite of concern. It appears though that proper motorbikes aren’t allowed. Instead each and everyone was riding what appeared to be a Mini-moto bike (google ‘em) – all 49cc of power.

I suspect I could travel faster than them. With my crutches. Probably not the flat cap guy from earlier though.

Distracted from our disappointment at the amusements and bouyed by our distant view of something approaching culture (the seaforts – not the mini-bikes) we decided to do something a bit more traditional. Stopping at tourist information, we asked the best place for a cream tea.

Several minutes later, we arrived at Godshill (we were a little worried that we’d see a sign for the Flamingo Park but we had definitely escaped). Picking a cafe for a cream tea was a little like picking a tea room at random. We went for the Hollies.

At this point, just picture the look on Homer Simpson when he is on a donut thought.

We picked 4 cream teas (with cream that didn’t run all over our scones this time)

Excuse me a minute, I’m drooling with the memory.

Reluctantly we left afterwards. It’s possible that we left with takeaway cake (just in case, you realise). The lemon cake is very good.

There was just enough round for a little more culture around the cakes so we picked up the obligatory tea towel to give to family. We also stopped at the factory shop and found a few more items that may have rated higher on the pricing scale than a tea towel with a silly map.

It was about this point that we realised that we hadn’t properly stopped at an amusements today. Returning to Sandown pier we put that to rights. It was a pity that the Pink Panther machine refused to give me a payout (though it liked my wife), Cops n Robbers had to be shook to find the winnings and Aliens: Extinction was one of those curious arcade games that require you to shoot the bejeezus out of anything scaly then lets you run out of ammo. Nice.

Cultured out, we returned to the caravan and then to the pub for an early supper (still not managing to entirely devour the generous portions supplied). Then it was back to the caravan for a last bit of culture – Jennifer Garner in a red basque.

Actually, it’s probably not worth watching the film Elektra. Just watch the trailer.

I think there was a round of cards.

Monday morning was sunny again and it was time to depart our temporary home.

Whoever was in after us, we want back the Minstrels we left.

Heading down to Ventnor, we passed Black Chine and continued up the coast to the pearl shop. This took several more minutes.

My wife, who does not like pearls, nevertheless managed to find a necklace and bracelet set that she liked. And then she, and my best man, did the lucky dip version of fishing for pearls. My credit card was groaning slightly by now. It escaped use in the gold and silver shop, fortunately.

We headed back to Newport and realised when we got there that it was still going to be some time before we could board the ferry. As it was approaching lunchtime we decided to make a slight detour for some food. At the Hollies.

mmmmmmm ….

The sultana cake and the chocolate cake is also good

We arrived at East Cowes over an hour before we were due to board so with a quick talk to the ferry guys (and a wave of the crutches) we were able to get on the earlier ferry. We had mistakenly packed the DS in the car but there were a couple of fruit machines to keep us amused.

Arriving back in Southampton and pausing only to stop at Tesco, we returned to their flat to find we had a few hours to kill.

Finally, we managed to get the Xbox 360 powered up and had a damn good game of Halo 3. More thoughts similar to mine at this blog post

The train back to London cost £1 each (really)(really really – check out Megabus.com) and we finally returned home tired, overfed, a little broke (missing those darn £1 coins now) but having had a great holiday.