Mr Ben and I’s go on a DIY adventure

(the following is loosely in the style of Janet and John – less of the 1949 educational books and more of the Radio 2 broadcasts – check this link for more info)

Mr Best Man has a leaky roof. Poor Mr Best Man. See him get wet.

Not too wet – it is the conservatory. But slightly wet. Unlucky Mr Best Man

Mr Best Man also has cold shed, and lots and lots of Artex. Not in the shed – that would be silly.

So Mr Best Man has decided to get a bunch of his friends to come and do his house work for him. Lucky Mr Best Man to have all those friends with nothing better to do of a weekend than do house tasks for free. On a weekend with forecast rain throughout.

Do you know what ’sucker’ means?

So I’s travel across London to meet Mr Ben. I’s take a power tool and a pair of steelies and a saw and a chisel and a sealant gun and a stanley knife and a change of underwear and a drill set and some toothpaste and a camera and some knee pads and a scraper.

I’s have many tools.

Until I meet Mr Ben:

Mr Ben has many, many, lots of tools.

Lucky Mr Ben.

Mr Ben and I’s travel down to Mr Best Man’s house. On the way, we see a huge big truck -

We think that the huge big truck will be very useful to help with sorting out Mr Best Man’s house. But they aren’t going our way.

Poor us.

When we arrive at Mr Best Man’s house, we say hello to him and to Mrs Mr Best Man and to Eric the Dog. He barks and stands on I’s foot.

I’s have my own room for the next two days:

I’s even get a bed for my very own. At least until I’s return to my own home. Wife number one may say that our bed is hers but I’s know who paid for it …

The next morning I’s and Mr Ben and Mr Best Man and Mrs Mr Best Man and even Eric the Dog get up early. Before lunch time early – even before double digit time early!

We start on removing the roof to the conservatory – you never know what you are going to find!

Silly Mr Best Man

Then Mr Ben gets to use his pressure washer toy:

I’s get to use a sponge.

We has a little company when a big yellow helly-copter buzzes overhead and parks very close by:

Then we stops for lunch in the roofless conservatory. Burgers and hot dogs followed by cake:

What Joy!

Do you know what intravenous injection of sugar means?

Then Mr Best Man and Mr Ben and I’s replace the roof. First we have to put flashing in.

No silly – not that flashing.

It takes a little gentle persuasion to get the roof panels in after they have been cleaned. Mr Ben has the delicate touch:

A delicate touch, and a mallet …

As the sun is still a-shining, proving that weather reports are always accurate (!), we decide to go indoors and remove some decoration blocking access to the Artex.

What do we do with decoration that blocks access to the Artex? Firewood!

Mr Best Man’s house has a special surprise in it’s Artex:

Many many many many many lots of picture hooks! We ran out of fingers and toes trying to count them all (and that included Eric the Dog, the neighbours on both sides and a passing cat)

At that point, we equipped hammers, chisels and crowbar. Mrs Mr Best Man and Eric Dog run for cover.

Do you know when you need to buy Polyfilla? We do.

As a special treat, Mr and Mrs Best Man took us down to the seaside as it got dark:

The next day was Sunday and we rose a little slower this morning. But lots of Mr Best Man’s other friends came to play with us.

So I’s was banished to the loft to receive boxes. At least the boxes had now gone from my room

Then Mr Ben and I’s were sent to B&Q to purchase 3mm wood sheeting.

No, silly, not that kind of sheet.

Have you ever tried to attached 10 sheets of 8′ x 4′ to a roof rack 3′8″ wide?

We have.

No photos.

We returned to Mr Best Man’s to find that the present Mrs Ben and wife number one had arrived and were attempting to clean bits of Eric Dog from the landing.

His hair – what were you thinking?

The sheets were for the main shed, once we’d fixed the trick hinge (the trick was how it hadn’t fallen off) to provide an internal wall to sandwich the remaining loft insulation. There wasn’t much insulation left.

Greedy loft.

While we argued with nails and insulation, everybody else painted the lounge and cut the grass, and painted the lounge and sugar soaped the hall and painted the lounge and had burgers and sausages and worked on the garden.

Did you know that some people put bricks into their grass to make it grow longer? (Notice the holes in the lawn)

And did you know that Mr Best Man has a path under the gravel?

Nor did he!

So the roof is fixed, the lounge is white (mostly), the beams are gone, the garden is back, the shed is partially done, the boxes are mostly hidden, the burgers have all been eaten and next door’s cat was perplexed.

We pack to return to our respective homes and Eric Dog checks to make sure we have everything we brought down:

We have.

Arriving in work the next day, colleagues asked me what I did over the weekend:

“Well, I’s and Mr Ben went to Mr Best Man’s to stiffen his membranes, manhandle his wood, get some damp bracing, clean his innards and give it all a lick of paint”

Do you know how to step away from the slightly deranged man?

It may help …